Don Friesen
I am well aware that I am talking to a congregation skilled in the social graces, and those who are less than poised, physically, often top up their social skills with dancing lessons upon moving to Ottawa. And so I hesitate to offer reflections on etiquette, but as well-schooled as we may be in the social graces, things can go wrong awkwardly wrong even in the rarified and refined confines of Ottawa!
Mistakes are made. Guests can be grumpy, and hosts, for example, don't always say the right thing. I have a friend, in another city, who asks his wife, soon after we arrive, how long we're staying! In our hearing! Friends of mine were once invited to a home, only to find themselves stranded in the living room while their hosts disappeared into other parts of the house, and were gone for the longest time! I could tell you other stories, but any resemblance to living persons would not be accidental!
If at times hosts forget their host-ly duties, the social graces of guests are also lacking on occasion. A few years ago a family friend received a call from acquaintances, who informed her that they were coming to her city. Instinctively, she invited the couple to stay at her home. A follow-up call informed my friend that she and her husband would be staying, not two or three days, but a whole week! A few days later there was another call asking if they could also bring along their grown daughter, her husband, and their two pre-school children! And... oh, yes, the adults would be gone for most of the day on some days ... but ... she was sure the children would enjoy spending the day with my friend!
There are people around who could tell you hospitality horror stories! Some guests have been known to traumatize hosts across the country, refusing to help around the house, using their hosts' credit cards, and in other ways exploiting the graciousness of hospitable people.
Hospitality Faux Pas
I have committed some social gaffes myself on occasion, but keep in mind that I graduated from the Horse Lake Finishing School, which was not as upscale as the one up the river attended by Bill Janzen! If you ask around and I prefer you didn't I have on occasion brought a hostess gift to a home that was not fully appreciated by the hostess.
There are things that hosts should not do, and there are things that guests should not do, as is evident in our reading from the New Testament book of James, who contends that churches also need to observe some rules of etiquette. James shares some hilarious examples of church hospitality gone wrong! He writes, "If a person with gold rings and in fine clothes comes into your assembly, and if a poor person in dirty clothes also comes in, and ...you take notice of the one wearing the fine clothes and say, Have a seat here, please,' while to the one who is poor you say, Stand there,' or, Sit at my feet,' have you not made distinctions among yourselves....?"(James 2:2-4) Well! It seems to me that I'd done a lot more than make distinctions! I can just picture our own ushers, as they hand out a bulletin, asking, "Gold rings?"
And by then a poor person has approached one of our ushers, ...who asks, "Gold rings?"
James was not impressed with this attitude, and he presents a caricature of hospitality in order to jar his listeners. James is in good company; the Bible mentions other examples of bad hospitality. Jesus lists several of them himself in the Gospel of Matthew, contending that while in the midst of religious people they proved sadly un-responsive: "I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me." (Matthew 25:42-43) Even the basics of hospitality were ignored by people who should have been well-schooled in the etiquette of hospitality.
The Apostle Paul cites another example from the Christians in the cosmopolitan city of Corinth. Paul was aghast that at the Lord's Supper some of the believers started to dig in before the others even arrived! Paul calls them on the carpet for "showing contempt for the church of God and causing acute embarrassment to (fellow believers)". "What do you expect from me?" asks Paul. "Compliments? Certainly not on this!" (1 Corinthians 11:22, PHL)
At times the Church fails to extend even the rudiments of hospitality, and so a Mennonite magazine recently commissioned a non-churchgoer to visit a Mennonite church in a Canadian city and report on his visit. Upon arrival at the church, he writes, "Someone named Don introduces himself and says he doesn't think he knows me. We have a little small talk, with Don asking what I do.' Then someone named Ken comes by. No one asks why I am here, but I sense a few of the folk are curious about this stranger. Most are busy visiting each other." ("Looking in on the Church: Impressions of a non-churchgoer," by David Roberts, Leader, Winter 03-04) He found the music in the worship service "just a bit too earnest," and the sharing time "a bit over the top," thinking that much of it should have been saved for after the service. Overall, he found his visit "mildly uplifting". Not a ringing endorsement!
Some churches, aware of the mistakes we make with respect to hospitality, recruit greeters, as if the Walmartization of the Church will fix things! I also read of a church that hired some worshippers to seed the worship service with infectious enthusiasm. The decoys, if you will, draw out the enthusiasm of others! One such worshipper-for-hire says that he doesn't mind sitting through services, and he considers the movements of praise services "good stretching exercise, like Tai Chi." I read this in something called Lark News, so its authenticity is suspect. The article went on to say that it's important to appear authentically engaged, but not overly so. "It's a subtle art," says one such temp-worshipper, who writes out grocery lists and the week's tasks while pretending to take sermon notes. ("Worshippers for hire boost Sunday excitement," Lark News, August 28, 2005)
Hospitality Is a major Concern of the Church
Hospitality is certainly a concern of the Church. This summer many congregations sent representatives to the annual sessions of Mennonite Church Canada to discuss what some identify as polarities holiness and hospitality and the tension these two Christian virtues cause in our church. Jack Suderman, the new General Secretary of our national church, set himself the goal of visiting all 230 Mennonite Church Canada congregations in three months he visited our own church a week ago and his preliminary report on those visits identifies hospitality as a major concern. Some of the remarks he heard are slightly amusing"
Hospitality has long been a concern of the Church. This summer, while our own denomination was discussing holiness and hospitality, the Presbyterian Church in Canada met to consider guidelines for churches providing sanctuary for people facing deportation. Offering sanctuary is a centuries-old tradition of Christian hospitality.
The Scriptures offer numerous examples of ancient hospitality. There is the story of a king, Melchizedek, extending hospitality to Abraham, bringing out bread and wine and bestowing a blessing upon Abraham. (Genesis 14:18-19) There is the story of Abraham himself offering generous hospitality to three strangers, incognito angels, it turns out! (Genesis 18) There's the story of Joseph extending hospitality to his brothers, who are unaware that he is their brother. (Genesis 43) There's the story of Rahab extending hospitality and protection to Israelites being pursued (Joshua 2); the story of the widow of Zarephath extending hospitality to Elijah (1 Kings 17); and another story the story of Elisha extending hospitality and amnesty to some Syrian spies! (2 Kings 6)
In the ancient world, hospitality was not merely a point of etiquette a matter of manners it was a requirement for survival in a dangerous world. There were no general stores no 7-Elevens, no convenience stores and travellers depended upon the goodwill and hospitality of others for food, shelter and necessary supplies while on a journey. Customs of hospitality assured strangers that they would not be exploited as long as they themselves posed no threat.
Hospitality is a long and noble tradition of the Christian Church, one practised arduously in the monastic tradition. Kathleen Norris was a guest at a Benedictine monastery in 1997 when the Heaven's Gate group convinced thirty-nine of its followers to commit suicide so that their souls could take a ride on a spaceship that they believed was hiding behind the Comet Hale-Bopp. It's interesting that members of this group referred to themselves as monks, but Norris says that they had little resemblance to the monks at the monastery at which she was staying. The "main difference," she concluded, "is hospitality." (Norris, Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith, page 263) St. Benedict said that a "monastery is never without guests". Some groups, including Christian churches, do not want to be contaminated by outsiders, but as Benedict said that a monastery with-out guests is not a monastery so one could conclude that a church without guests is not a church, certainly not the one envisioned in the New Testament!
This summer Dorothy and I spent a weekend in the northern city of Thompson, Manitoba. We moved away from there thirty-three years ago and we actually lived there for only a few years but it's an important place to both of us and we wanted to be at the closing of the Thompson United Mennonite Church. As guests from all over Canada came back for the closing celebration albeit a bittersweet one there was much reminiscing about the hospitality practised by members of that church over its forty-five years of existence. In Thompson we had to be family to each other, for we were all from somewhere else far away from childhood homes and families.
The closing celebration ended with a communion service presided over by Allan Rudy-Froese, who was the minister of the congregation when he was but a single, twenty-something, fresh out of school. He recounted, with great relish and in great detail the many delicious meals he shared at the homes of church members. Hospitality in the biblical stories does not have to include meals, but often very often the bond of hospitality is strengthened by eating together, and sometimes that bond is created by eating each other's food. In fact, there is a notion that the bond lasts as long as the process of digestion, and must then be renewed, with more food! Meals are mentioned frequently in the Scriptures, and Tom Yoder Neufeld, another former minister of the Thompson congregation, contends that if you can read the Bible with-out getting hungry, you're not reading it closely enough!
Dorothy and I also share fond memories of the hospitality we experienced in that congregation. Some of the memories are profoundly moving, for, to paraphrase the comment I shared earlier, we weren't sure that we all liked each other, but we did care for each other. I remember people whose theology I was loath to embrace, but whose hospitality was warm and enticing, and which spoke much, much loader than their words. These vivid memories have long driven my own efforts to encourage a hospitable climate here, in this congregation.
We Are Enrolled in the School of Christian Hospitality
I think that most of us are sufficiently schooled in the social graces that we consider good manners important. We try to teach good manners to our children, and hope that they won't embarrass us when guests are present. Come on, kids, we recount silently, Don't talk with your mouth full! Wait until everyone has been served before you start eating. Keep your elbows off the table! Remember to say please and thank you. Remember to say excuse me when... well... at all times!
Good manners are important; manners matter. They help us learn to navigate the ways of world and society. I learned my first lesson in etiquette from an aboriginal woman when I was a guest in her home while playing with her son. I was unaware that the words, "Thank you," signalled the hostess to stop pouring. My hostess was not impressed with my word "Whoaaaa!" She asked me if I was driving a team of horses!
Manners are important, and even when we disagree with others manners help us tell the truth in a way that respects the other person. The etiquette of civility is far preferable, I daresay, to the bludgeoning strokes of angry criticism.
The etiquette of Christian hospitality, however, is about more than manners, more than simply being polite to each other. Christian hospitality consists of more than a few hospitality tips, like those offered in a recent Focus on the Family magazine, consisting mainly of ways to try to transform simple-minded Neanderthal husbands into gentlemen! One of the tips I kid you not is about tantrums, which should be "forgivable when they come from your guest's 2-year-old, (but which are) ...unforgivable when they come from you because of your guest's 2-year-old." (Don Bosley, "The ABCs of Manly Hospitality," 2004)
The real questions before us are: How shall we live in Christian community? How shall we relate to those who are guests of our Christian community? We may wish to turn to Emily Post for guidance on how to set a table, and we may want to consult with Martha Stewart about what to put on the table, but the Scriptures are much more concerned with whom we invite to the table in the first place, and how we treat those we invite to the table, both at and away from the table.
It's not accidental that we find in the New Testament what theologians refer to as haustaflen. If you're a theologian, you have to learn to give things German names, and haustaflen simply refers to the house rules that we find in various places in the New Testament. (Ephesians 5; in Colossians 3:18-24; 1 Peter 2:13; 3:7) There has been much theological debate about these domestic rules of etiquette, but they are clear evidence that the New Testament Church attempted to create codes of Christian etiquette.
At the risk of being prosaic, let me offer a few things that should appear on a Christian etiquette list:
1) Don't Make Distinctions among Yourselves
And one of the things that should appear on the list comes from our text in the book of James, where we read, "If you take notice of the one wearing ...fine clothes, ...while to the one who is poor you say, Stand there,' ...have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?" (James 2:3-4)
I doubt we see ourselves as "judges with evil thoughts," but we make distinctions all the time! On the basis of education! On the basis of income! On the basis of gender! On the basis of politics! On the basis of liberal expressions of faith versus conservative expressions of faith!
There are apartment buildings in our city that are reserved for adults only! I'm surprised you can do that in business, but we certainly have no business doing that in church! All are welcome in God's house! All grown-ups, all children, all mothers and fathers, all ages, all colours, all denominational hues! All ALL are welcome in God's house! "Show no partiality," says James. (James 2:1, RSV) I especially like the J.B. Phillips translation of verse nine: "Once you allow any invidious distinctions to creep in, you are sinning!" (2:9, PHL)
2) Remember the Royal Law!
Don't make distinctions among yourselves one important item of Christian etiquette. Another that emerges from our New Testament text is: Remember the royal law! James writes, "You do well if you really fulfill the royal law according to the scripture, You shall love your neighbour as yourself.'" (James 2:8) We know how broadly Jesus interpreted neighbourliness (Luke 10); the biblical tradition of hospitality includes those we know, those we are getting to know, as well as those we have yet to get to know! In Romans we are encouraged to "contribute to the needs of the saints (and to) extend hospitality to strangers." (Romans 12:13) And the book of Hebrews leaves us an enticing teaser, saying "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." (Hebrews 13:2, RSV)
3) Practise Hospitality
A third item that belongs on a Christian hospitality list is the counsel found in several New Testament texts, and it is this: Practise hospitality. (Romans 12:13, RSV, NIV, NASB, NEB; 1 Peter 4:9; RSV) Practise it until you get it right! The Apostle Peter concurred with his colleague, Paul, saying, "Be hospitable to one another without complaining" (1 Peter 4:9), "ungrudgingly" (RSV), "without grumbling" (NIV), "without complaint". (NASB) "Be hospitable to each other without secretly wishing you hadn't got to be!" (PHL)
"Be hospitable to one another (1 Peter 4:9), says one translation. "Offer hospitality one to another (NIV); use hospitality one to another (KJV); practice hospitality...." (RSV) I took piano lessons as a child, and like every other child I tried to avoid or delay practising the piano, and my musical ability today is in direct correlation with the amount of practising I did or did not do.
We Are Guests of God, the Host Par Excellence!
Practice hospitality, say the Scriptures, as if failure to practice will spoil the performance of our Christian duties. Another translation says it this way: "Look for opportunities to be hospitable." (Romans 12:13, JER) If we need more lessons in how to be hospitable, we have but to look to God, the heavenly host! The host par excellence! Who spreads a table for us, even the presence of our enemies! (Psalm 23:5)
I have only to think of the biblical story of the Prodigal Son, who wondered upon his return whether his father would even take notice of him, let alone accept him. And the father no doubt a stand-in for God put aside his patriarchal demeanour and ran out to meet and embrace the prodigal. It may take a lot of practise before we can emulate such warm and vivid hospitality.
In one of the New Testament's most striking images of hospitality, Jesus, who didn't have a door upon which to knock, gave hospitality to five thousand guests! They came when he had nothing in the fridge! And his response? Pull up a seat! He fed them all and put Saran Wrap on the leftovers!
Jesus was so convinced of God's hospitable spirit that he used the image of a huge banquet table (Luke 14) to convey the delight we experience in God's presence. The New Testament, convinced that God's heart is a hospitable heart, invites us to "draw near to God" (James 4:8), to "draw near with...full assurance of faith...." (Hebrews 10: 22), and to "consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ...encouraging one another...." (10:24-25)
I pray that our year ahead will be permeated with this spirit of Christian hospitality. AMEN
Check.
"Fine clothes?" Check.
"Large offering?" Uh...no.
Acch, it doesn't matter here. Come, have I got a good seat for you! Good view of the choir. And you'll feel right at home among the other finely-dressed people sitting there. Welcome! Uh...no.
"Fine clothes?" Uh...no.
"Large offering?" I wouldn't say its large, but it's ten percent of my income. Is that enough?
"Acch, it doesn't matter here. But ... you may want to take a seat in the back near the offering box; that way you'll beat the rush before the finely-dressed people get here! Welcome, ...I guess."
And then there are some remarks that are not so amusing:
You don't have to tour too many congregations before you hear sad stories. Just this week a friend told me of the horrendous tension at her church; any hospitable climate has long since disappeared behind clouds of anger and antagonism.
All quotations of Scripture, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Revised Standard Version.